A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group G

Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.

Where are they from?: Belgium (Pot 1); England (Pot 2); Tunisia (Pot 3); United States (Pot 4)

What to watch for?: It was a scary hex for the United States Men's National Team, with qualification looking like a serious doubt if it weren't for the fact that, at the end of the day, CONCACAF qualifying is set up in a way where it's impossible for Mexico or the US to not qualify. It would require falling into the bottom two spots of a group with teams like Honduras, Panama, and Trinidad & Tobago, which is just not realistic. Mexico tried as hard as possible in 2014 and still tripped over their own dicks all the way to Brazil. Failing simply can't happen.

I'm sorry, what? Good one. Real funny joke. Almost had me for a second there.

*Google break*

Oh, motherfucker. 

Who to keep an eye on?: Kevin De Bruyne, Belgium. Much like their group mates England a decade a couple decades ago, Belgium are in a golden generation, and have no shortage of options for one to watch. Left to choose only one, I'm going with De Bruyne, if only for the fun which comes from reminding everyone that Jose Mourinho let him go to Germany for just a third of what he would then be sold on for just two seasons later. De Bruyne is a player who is a delight to watch, making the World Cup a treat for all non-City fans who can enjoy his excellence in a guilt-free setting.

Why do you hate those guys? (England): Less hate than revel in the hilarious schadenfreude of, which will be extra necessary in this Cup. With no USMNT to root for, there's really just enjoying others' failure to look forward to, and when it comes to failing to be the best in the world, England are the best in the world. Famous for going out (usually to the Germans) on penalties, England took it to a new level last World Cup, coming rock bottom in a group that Costa Rica topped. This side is playing fun football and has, in a matter of weeks, turned the modest expectations fans finally had back into the unreasonable hopes that ensure fans and will Lennie the shit of the team before the metaphor gets a bit mixed and the media becomes George shooting the club in the back of the head. 

100% Accurate Match Predictions

Belgium vs. Panama: Smiting the US aside, Panama have been a pretty fun side in recent Gold Cups and qualifying efforts, punching above their weight and only being denied a shot at 2014 by a last-minute Graham Zusi goal which spared Mexico a 5th place finish (a favor which would have been nice to return, guys, by the way.) That said, they're just not cut out for what is a legitimately tough group, and Belgium see them off with a comfortable 2-0.

Tunisia vs. England: Finally it's time to put same old England to bed. The Three Lions are effervescent, seeing off Tunisia with ease in the first half behind a Harry Kane brace and a complete lack of return fire at the other end. Then the second half happens, and they England it up a bit, just about holding on for the 2-2 draw.

Belgium vs. Tunisia: Not every game is going to be a barn burner, alright? Belgium are composed throughout but struggle to find end product for most of the day. They manage one, but it should be more. It's still enough, 1-0.

England vs. Panama: England gonna England. Complete and utter domination comes to little, and a fluke redirection on a shot sees the CONCACAF side take a lead into the break. England find a leveler in the second, but not a winner, setting up a tense final match with Belgium with qualification very much in doubt.

England vs. Belgium | Tunisia vs. Panama: One perk of the hilarious inability to beat either of the two smaller sides in the group for England is Belgium's secure spot as group toppers. Not wanting to leave themselves open to risk of injury, they play a weakened side, sitting a few key players and anyone on a yellow. Belgium take the lead in the 67th minute, while the other match remains scoreless. Desperate times arrive for the Brits and it's the tabloids' favorite punching bag, Raheem Sterling, who finds the crucial goal to draw level in the dying minutes. After some tense clenching, knowing a goal for either Tunisia or Panama will do them in, both games end in draws and England move on without a single victory, because England.

Check back every day to know all that there is to know. For yesterday's post on Group F, click here. For Group G, and its correctly labeled standings image which differs from today's in that regard, click here.