A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group A

The World Cup is just over a week away which means there are plenty of previews popping up now to tell you what to expect when the tournament which Panama qualified for over America begins. You can find exhaustive deep dives like The Guardian's breakdown of every single player on every team's 23-man roster. Or, if for some reason you intend to not spend literally every waking minute between now and the opening game reading about players, I'm here to offer you my money-back guaranteed predictions for every single match of the tournament, along with all the important happenings to be on the lookout for, starting with the hosts and friends in Group A.

Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.


Where are they from?: Russia (Pot 1, as hosts, not on merit, because they're kinda shit); Uruguay (Pot 2); Egypt (Pot 3); Saudi Arabia (Pot 4)

What to watch for?: Russia were looking like prime suspects to pull a South Africa by becoming just the second hosts to miss the knockout rounds at a World Cup heading into the draw as the lowest-ranked team in the admittedly-terrible FIFA rankings. As luck would have it (and by luck, I of course mean FIFA) they managed to pull the lowest team in Pot 4, third lowest in Pot 3 and second lowest in Pot 2 creating a very survivable group. Even with the untouted opposition, Russia could still easily blow it as Uruguay will expect to top the group and both Saudi Arabia and Egypt in particular are capable of pipping the Russians to second.

Who to keep an eye on?: Mo Salah, of Egypt, assuming he does it make it back from his run in with footie's answer to Vontaze Burfict in the Champions League final. Salah's season has been so thoroughly enjoyable I even managed to not completely hate every second of it despite his insistence on doing it in a Liverpool shirt, and the World Cup offers a guilt-free chance to root for his success. He's expected to miss at least the opener, because we can't have nice things, and may not be at his best when he returns but hope he is, because it's a sight to see when he's at his best and it could trigger a fun run by the Egyptians.

Why do you hate those guys? (Uruguay): As mentioned, Uruguay should come through this weak group fairly easily, and that sucks, because they are still led by Luis Suarez. The beneficiary of the standard "redemption" arcs of an athlete heroically still being good at sports even after acting like an asshole, Suarez remains a serial cannibal who racially abused an opponent and robbed Africa of its first semifinalist, at an African-hosted Cup to boot. Fuck that guy, and Uruguay so long as he remains good enough to front them.

100% Accurate Match Predictions

Russia 2:1 Saudi Arabia: Due to a combination of coming out flat and not being very good, the Russians fall behind in the first half, only to see a Saudi Arabian sent off under questionable circumstance. Riding the advantage of the extra man, the home side convert a pair of second-half goals into an opening game victory and three points.

Egypt 0:3 Uruguay: Shorn of their best player, Egypt struggle to mount much offensively against Uruguay, but hold out for awhile on the back end. Eventually Suarez and what are presumably some other good players Uruguay have break through, before tacking on two additional goals when Egypt is forced to step out from their defensive shell.

Russia 1:1 Egypt: The Russians draw first blood in an incredibly boring and toothless match, before Salah makes his triumphant debut for the African side. Egypt promptly equalize in a much dumber way, like an Elneny 35-yarder, to get their first point of the tournament.

Uruguay 4:0 Saudi Arabia: The Saudi side again set out to play compact and defensive football, but are ultimately undone by the fact they are playing a very good South American side while themselves being very mediocre. The scoreline should probably be bigger but Uruguay have Cavani in, who has one of those classic Cavani games wherein he scores a brace while still looking like an utterly inept child who has never kicked a ball before on at least three golden chances.

Uruguay 0:0 Russia | Saudi Arabia 0:3 Egypt: Finally returning to the starting lineup, Salah goes off on the Saudi Arabians, registering a hat trick to power Egypt to a comfortable victory. Unfortunately, safe in their advancement and wary of angering their benevolent hosts too much by ending their Cup run, Uruguay are all too happy to see out a dull nil-nil draw with Russia which sees Putin's lads through in second because sports are terrible and we can't have nice things.

So, there you have it, the exact results of all six Group A matches. Come back tomorrow for Group B.