World Cupdate: The Death of Narrative

With the United States failing to qualify heroically taking a stand against the inappropriate nature of holding a World Cup in Russia, ratings have failed to hit the marks Fox was expected when they paid all of the money for broadcasting rights. With the group stage over, and setting the table for the biggest of all possible matches -- Messi vs. Ronaldo at a major international tournament -- you could practically hear Fox execs' mouths watering at the days of content they could mine. All that stood in the way was for Argentina and Portugal to see off France and Uruguay, respectively.

About that...


France are officially redeemed for any harm done in their horror show match with Denmark (and, let's be real, the Danes were always more to blame given they were the ones who actually had something to be gained by turning the draw into a win.) An Angel Di Maria wonder goal and two Messi assists, one not overly intentional one deliciously so, saw Argentina hang a triple on the French side but it wasn't enough, mainly because Kylian Mbappé dunked on them at every available opportunity. First he took the souls of their entire defensive force by casually trotting past the lot of them to earn a penalty and give France the lead. He reaffirmed their lead with his second as the quickest man to react to a loose ball in the box to make it 3-2, then finished off a delightful team move to make it a two-goal lead and ensure Kun Aguero's stoppage time header was no more than a consolation. Oh, and in a match featuring some of the best attacking talent in the world and no shortage of brilliant goals to match, French center back Benjamin Pavard just went and scored the best of the day with a curling half-volley that will never get old. If you haven't seen them yet, do yourself a favor and watch the match highlights. If you have seen them, do yourself a favor and watch the match highlights.

With Messi vanquished the stage was thus set for Ronaldo. If the battle of the titans couldn't happen, at least there could be days of talking about Ronaldo putting his stamp on GOATness by outlasting Messi. Nah. Edinson Cavani scored a pair of goals for Uruguay which were so good that and so without any sort of bumbling errors around them that it broke his body and he had to leave injured late. It was still enough though, as Portugal only managed a single response care of King of the Dickheads Pepe.

So both Ronaldo and Messi exit the World Cup for, perhaps, the final time, within just a few hours of each other. They take all the lazy sports talk with them.

Kidding, of course, the pundits will find something new to yammer on about, but at the end of the day this Cup keeps delivering great matches, so even the most takey of take givers can't diminish that. Enjoy day two of the knockouts, everyone!