Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: Belgium (Pot 1); England (Pot 2); Tunisia (Pot 3); United States (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: It was a scary hex for the United States Men's National Team, with qualification looking like a serious doubt if it weren't for the fact that, at the end of the day, CONCACAF qualifying is set up in a way where it's impossible for Mexico or the US to not qualify. It would require falling into the bottom two spots of a group with teams like Honduras, Panama, and Trinidad & Tobago, which is just not realistic. Mexico tried as hard as possible in 2014 and still tripped over their own dicks all the way to Brazil. Failing simply can't happen.
I'm sorry, what? Good one. Real funny joke. Almost had me for a second there.
*Google break*
Oh, motherfucker.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Monday, June 11, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group F
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: Germany (Pot 1); Mexico (Pot 2); Sweden (Pot 3); South Korea (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: The battle for second place. The Germans are the favorites to win the whole tournament, while South Korea is less of a live dog than in Cups past, having managed just 5 points over their last five matches of Asian qualifying, leaving Sweden and Mexico to duke it out. Making it out of groups is what Mexico does, but Sweden are more than capable themselves. They bested the Netherlands to claim second in their qualifying group behind France, before knocking off Italy in the playoffs to book a spot in Russia.
Where are they from?: Germany (Pot 1); Mexico (Pot 2); Sweden (Pot 3); South Korea (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: The battle for second place. The Germans are the favorites to win the whole tournament, while South Korea is less of a live dog than in Cups past, having managed just 5 points over their last five matches of Asian qualifying, leaving Sweden and Mexico to duke it out. Making it out of groups is what Mexico does, but Sweden are more than capable themselves. They bested the Netherlands to claim second in their qualifying group behind France, before knocking off Italy in the playoffs to book a spot in Russia.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group E
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: Brazil (Pot 1); Switzerland (Pot 2); Costa Rica (Pot 3); Serbia (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Costa Rica's effort to follow up on their success at the 2014 World Cup, where they topped a group featuring two premier sides and also England, before ultimately bowing out in the quarterfinals on penalties. Costa Rica were comfortably second-best in CONCACAF qualifying, a label which is viewed with mockery in South America and Europe and yet is also usually good enough for a spot in the Round of 16.
Where are they from?: Brazil (Pot 1); Switzerland (Pot 2); Costa Rica (Pot 3); Serbia (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Costa Rica's effort to follow up on their success at the 2014 World Cup, where they topped a group featuring two premier sides and also England, before ultimately bowing out in the quarterfinals on penalties. Costa Rica were comfortably second-best in CONCACAF qualifying, a label which is viewed with mockery in South America and Europe and yet is also usually good enough for a spot in the Round of 16.
Saturday, June 9, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group D
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: Argentina (Pot 1); Croatia (Pot 2); Iceland (Pot 3); Nigeria (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Nigeria's beautiful kits. They are incredibly garish, incredibly 90's and incredibly lovely.
On a footballing level, watch for what should be one of the more competitive groups in the entire tournament, with every team fancying themselves to have at least a somewhat reasonable shot of progressing. The biggest power in the group, Argentina, are not their presumed all-conquering selves (GOAT excluded) and each of the three following sides can give each other a rough go of it on their day.
Where are they from?: Argentina (Pot 1); Croatia (Pot 2); Iceland (Pot 3); Nigeria (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Nigeria's beautiful kits. They are incredibly garish, incredibly 90's and incredibly lovely.
Friday, June 8, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group C
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: France (Pot 1); Peru (Pot 2); Denmark (Pot 3); Australia (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: If the French are for real, mostly. On paper they are capable of giving any team trouble and are fresh off a heartbreaking extra-time loss in the the Euro 2016 final. On the pitch, a complete and utter dumpster fire in group play is never off the table, either. This group is Charmin soft, so they would have to screw it up to a spectacular degree to not come out the other side, even if they are off their game, but that was true in 2010 also when they finished last in their group including a loss to a very poor South African side only in the tournament because they were hosting it. France football!
Where are they from?: France (Pot 1); Peru (Pot 2); Denmark (Pot 3); Australia (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: If the French are for real, mostly. On paper they are capable of giving any team trouble and are fresh off a heartbreaking extra-time loss in the the Euro 2016 final. On the pitch, a complete and utter dumpster fire in group play is never off the table, either. This group is Charmin soft, so they would have to screw it up to a spectacular degree to not come out the other side, even if they are off their game, but that was true in 2010 also when they finished last in their group including a loss to a very poor South African side only in the tournament because they were hosting it. France football!
Thursday, June 7, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group B
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: Portugal (Pot 1); Spain (Pot 2); Iran (Pot 3); Morocco (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Can one of the underdogs pull off the upset and get out of the group at the expense of the Iberians. If so, it will probably be Portugal who stumbles. While Spain is no longer holder of either of the sport's two major trophies, they remain not-far removed from a run of Euro-World Cup-Euro success. Portugal, conversely, are generally a solid bet for a calamitous group showing. Even in winning their first major trophy at Euro 2016, Portugal were beneficiaries of the worst thing in sports (a Pool Play phase which features a non-magnitude-of-two number of teams) which saw them not just stay alive despite a winless third place finish, but also get plopped into the top half of a bracket where all five nations remaining who had won a World Cup or Euro previously were grouped together in the bottom half to beat on each other.
Where are they from?: Portugal (Pot 1); Spain (Pot 2); Iran (Pot 3); Morocco (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Can one of the underdogs pull off the upset and get out of the group at the expense of the Iberians. If so, it will probably be Portugal who stumbles. While Spain is no longer holder of either of the sport's two major trophies, they remain not-far removed from a run of Euro-World Cup-Euro success. Portugal, conversely, are generally a solid bet for a calamitous group showing. Even in winning their first major trophy at Euro 2016, Portugal were beneficiaries of the worst thing in sports (a Pool Play phase which features a non-magnitude-of-two number of teams) which saw them not just stay alive despite a winless third place finish, but also get plopped into the top half of a bracket where all five nations remaining who had won a World Cup or Euro previously were grouped together in the bottom half to beat on each other.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group A
The World Cup is just over a week away which means there are plenty of previews popping up now to tell you what to expect when the tournament which Panama qualified for over America begins. You can find exhaustive deep dives like The Guardian's breakdown of every single player on every team's 23-man roster. Or, if for some reason you intend to not spend literally every waking minute between now and the opening game reading about players, I'm here to offer you my money-back guaranteed predictions for every single match of the tournament, along with all the important happenings to be on the lookout for, starting with the hosts and friends in Group A.
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
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