Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: Brazil (Pot 1); Switzerland (Pot 2); Costa Rica (Pot 3); Serbia (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Costa Rica's effort to follow up on their success at the 2014 World Cup, where they topped a group featuring two premier sides and also England, before ultimately bowing out in the quarterfinals on penalties. Costa Rica were comfortably second-best in CONCACAF qualifying, a label which is viewed with mockery in South America and Europe and yet is also usually good enough for a spot in the Round of 16.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
Saturday, June 9, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group D
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: Argentina (Pot 1); Croatia (Pot 2); Iceland (Pot 3); Nigeria (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Nigeria's beautiful kits. They are incredibly garish, incredibly 90's and incredibly lovely.
On a footballing level, watch for what should be one of the more competitive groups in the entire tournament, with every team fancying themselves to have at least a somewhat reasonable shot of progressing. The biggest power in the group, Argentina, are not their presumed all-conquering selves (GOAT excluded) and each of the three following sides can give each other a rough go of it on their day.
Where are they from?: Argentina (Pot 1); Croatia (Pot 2); Iceland (Pot 3); Nigeria (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Nigeria's beautiful kits. They are incredibly garish, incredibly 90's and incredibly lovely.
Friday, June 8, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group C
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: France (Pot 1); Peru (Pot 2); Denmark (Pot 3); Australia (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: If the French are for real, mostly. On paper they are capable of giving any team trouble and are fresh off a heartbreaking extra-time loss in the the Euro 2016 final. On the pitch, a complete and utter dumpster fire in group play is never off the table, either. This group is Charmin soft, so they would have to screw it up to a spectacular degree to not come out the other side, even if they are off their game, but that was true in 2010 also when they finished last in their group including a loss to a very poor South African side only in the tournament because they were hosting it. France football!
Where are they from?: France (Pot 1); Peru (Pot 2); Denmark (Pot 3); Australia (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: If the French are for real, mostly. On paper they are capable of giving any team trouble and are fresh off a heartbreaking extra-time loss in the the Euro 2016 final. On the pitch, a complete and utter dumpster fire in group play is never off the table, either. This group is Charmin soft, so they would have to screw it up to a spectacular degree to not come out the other side, even if they are off their game, but that was true in 2010 also when they finished last in their group including a loss to a very poor South African side only in the tournament because they were hosting it. France football!
Thursday, June 7, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group B
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Where are they from?: Portugal (Pot 1); Spain (Pot 2); Iran (Pot 3); Morocco (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Can one of the underdogs pull off the upset and get out of the group at the expense of the Iberians. If so, it will probably be Portugal who stumbles. While Spain is no longer holder of either of the sport's two major trophies, they remain not-far removed from a run of Euro-World Cup-Euro success. Portugal, conversely, are generally a solid bet for a calamitous group showing. Even in winning their first major trophy at Euro 2016, Portugal were beneficiaries of the worst thing in sports (a Pool Play phase which features a non-magnitude-of-two number of teams) which saw them not just stay alive despite a winless third place finish, but also get plopped into the top half of a bracket where all five nations remaining who had won a World Cup or Euro previously were grouped together in the bottom half to beat on each other.
Where are they from?: Portugal (Pot 1); Spain (Pot 2); Iran (Pot 3); Morocco (Pot 4)
What to watch for?: Can one of the underdogs pull off the upset and get out of the group at the expense of the Iberians. If so, it will probably be Portugal who stumbles. While Spain is no longer holder of either of the sport's two major trophies, they remain not-far removed from a run of Euro-World Cup-Euro success. Portugal, conversely, are generally a solid bet for a calamitous group showing. Even in winning their first major trophy at Euro 2016, Portugal were beneficiaries of the worst thing in sports (a Pool Play phase which features a non-magnitude-of-two number of teams) which saw them not just stay alive despite a winless third place finish, but also get plopped into the top half of a bracket where all five nations remaining who had won a World Cup or Euro previously were grouped together in the bottom half to beat on each other.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
A Possibly Accurate, Not Fact-Checked Guide to the World Cup: Group A
The World Cup is just over a week away which means there are plenty of previews popping up now to tell you what to expect when the tournament which Panama qualified for over America begins. You can find exhaustive deep dives like The Guardian's breakdown of every single player on every team's 23-man roster. Or, if for some reason you intend to not spend literally every waking minute between now and the opening game reading about players, I'm here to offer you my money-back guaranteed predictions for every single match of the tournament, along with all the important happenings to be on the lookout for, starting with the hosts and friends in Group A.
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Every prediction contained in this preview is care of yours truly, somebody with an obsessive OCD-approach to World Cup qualifying who only watched non-US matches as five-minute highlights on double speed, muted, while listening to podcasts. They're probably still pretty good though, because I'm super smart and stuff.
Monday, May 14, 2018
I missed Wenger's glory days, but I'll miss him, too
Arsene Wenger is not why I am an Arsenal fan. That's down to my brother's club soccer team taking a trip to England in the summer for friendlies with English sides and a jaunt over to the mainland for Euro '96. More specifically, I'm an Arsenal fan because I was left behind when they went. While my mother, brother and sister were off seeing the sights of Europe, I was home in New Jersey doing normal 10 year-old-things (pogs? Seems about the right time for pogs.) As an apology for being left behind I received two things: a promise I would get to go if his team did something similar in the future (they did; I did not) and a souvenir -- a red shirt with an electronics company on the front of it.
My mom had picked it up while they were hitting the shops in North London, and by the Grace of Bergkamp the red one caught her eye more than the white one. I got that shirt, and I became "an Arsenal fan." Even as a kid I was loyal to the death for the teams I decided were my teams, and that shirt made certain that when I would follow European football, Arsenal were my team. But I didn't start following European football then. I was young, and it wasn't as easy as it is today.
As the calendar ticked on to the new millennium, and Arsene's Arsenal neared its invincible best, I would love to say I was all-in and cherishing in their successes. I didn't even know it was happening.
My mom had picked it up while they were hitting the shops in North London, and by the Grace of Bergkamp the red one caught her eye more than the white one. I got that shirt, and I became "an Arsenal fan." Even as a kid I was loyal to the death for the teams I decided were my teams, and that shirt made certain that when I would follow European football, Arsenal were my team. But I didn't start following European football then. I was young, and it wasn't as easy as it is today.
As the calendar ticked on to the new millennium, and Arsene's Arsenal neared its invincible best, I would love to say I was all-in and cherishing in their successes. I didn't even know it was happening.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
The Early Season Limerick Review
Our coffers, so flush full of cash,
Boasted Ivan, "We've oodles to splash,"
Left Gonzo in the night,
For a racist who bites,
And got neither, once again -- hopes dashed
A winnable fixture to start,
A quick goal was nothing but art,
"Put your faith in the boss,"
But two yellows for Kos,
One-to-three, this team's bad for my heart
Hopping a flight east to Turkey,
Where we really made rather light work-y,
With their squad off the pace,
Fener just kicked some face,
And frankly, I find that quite jerky
Off a loss to Villa, three-to-one,
The ever-tricky “at Fulham”,
Lucky break to Giroud,
Poldi then tacked on two,
And no, guys, that wasn’t Robson
Boasted Ivan, "We've oodles to splash,"
Left Gonzo in the night,
For a racist who bites,
And got neither, once again -- hopes dashed
A winnable fixture to start,
A quick goal was nothing but art,
"Put your faith in the boss,"
But two yellows for Kos,
One-to-three, this team's bad for my heart
Hopping a flight east to Turkey,
Where we really made rather light work-y,
With their squad off the pace,
Fener just kicked some face,
And frankly, I find that quite jerky
Off a loss to Villa, three-to-one,
The ever-tricky “at Fulham”,
Lucky break to Giroud,
Poldi then tacked on two,
And no, guys, that wasn’t Robson
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